Saturday, December 21, 2013

reasons

I don't know how long it has been since I wrote on this blog.. there was no time.. and no need inside of me.. to write..

I just forgot how important it was for me to share my own story.. even though no one reads it.. its just therapy I guess - in some sense.

I am sitting here, in my living room at 1 am.. and I opened my screen and just wanted to type.. sorry if I do not make any sense.. but I needed a therapy session.. for free..

what has been going on - let me think..

I started a new catering service to eat healthy and lose some weight. I realized I am at my top weight and that is never good. with no activity in my life, I am trying to get healthier.

So.. they bring my food at 7 am.. everything is delivered for that day.. 3 big meals, and snacks in between meals.. I can say that it is amazing.. I eat things that you would never ever dare to eat while on a diet.. They have a system like the weight watchers do, so it helps.. you count points etc.

Once I loose a couple of pounds, my goal is to start the gym..

Oh, and I moved out.. I was living with my parents but I decided it was time for a change. So, now I am also living alone, which I love..

I missed being alone.. having my own space.. leaving my room messy and cleaning up when I want to.. not when I'm asked to..

other than that everything is the same..

I still have a relationship.. a boy I love.. deeply, sincerely.. and which I miss everyday.. but the reason to see him gives me reason to relax and take time off from work.. and travel.. oh the miles I go to.. but I guess love makes you do things like this.

any who.. short notice post..

have a wonderful day..

and Merry Christmas..

and I wish you a very healthy new year!

Tuesday, May 21, 2013

away

I realize I haven't been able to write in a while... work has been crazy...
I was waiting for a time in which I could relax but that seems to be in another life time.


What has been going on..?

Well I have been dealing with work.. coming to work around 8am and leaving around 1am.. I know I shouldn't be working as much, shouldn't work my body and mind as much as I have..

Yet when you work all this time you also want to get some time to yourself.. So I have been trying to hang out with friends, go out, dance etc.

Yet no matter what I do, I feel like my body is tired..
10 hrs of sleep that I get during the weekends isn't enough..

I really don't know if it is due to my way of living or due to my illness..

I am tired!
I was thinking of quitting a month ago.. I wasn't satisfied with work.. I wasn't satisfied with my life.

I live with my parents, so I wanted to move out...

I wanted to move away with my boyfriend - he lives in Dubai.. so I wanted to go there..
But what keeps me from moving to Dubai is the weather, I guess... It is HOOOT there.. and that might not be the right choice for a girl with MS.

I am just blabbering right now... it has been a while since I wrote here... there are tons of things I have in my mind and to get out.. expect more soon..

Keep healthy.. see you soon

Thursday, January 24, 2013

happy

work has been hectic.. so I didn't get the chance to write.. to express my feelings.. to let you guys know that I have good news..

During this past month I have been depressed.. (yes obviously this is not my good news) it might have been due to work load, long hrs of work etc.. A being away.. or just that I wasnt sure if my Rebif was working... it had been a year since I was diagnosed and started the treatment - if you can call it that..

anyways.. so with all this, I wanted to know.. whether good or bad.. I wanted to know if my rebif was working or not..
went to the doctor.. MRI.. some bone tests to see if my bones were healthy still etc etc.. blod work and all that shit..

and last week I got the good news.. I am OK..

rebif has been working.. I have no new lesions... not in my brain, not on my spine.. and on top of that my old lesions in my brain have started to shrink and disappear too... I never expected such results.. I was hoping for not getting new ones, but for the old ones to shrink too.. that is amazing for me..

anyways I wanted to share this with everyone out there...

and I hope in no time, you will hear some good news as I did..

Thursday, December 27, 2012

push thru and dream.. just dream!

live everyday to the fullest *cliché right! I know! still...
try to do it.. try to live it!

Monday, December 24, 2012

flour-lessness.. & MerryChristmas

with MS, one thing you have to know very well is your own body.. how your body reacts to certain things.. you've got to know when your body is telling you to rest, when it's OK to go further.. or just when there is something wrong with it.. a tingling sense.. a blurry vision.. or just that feeling that you have had enough..

I started something new, called reflexology.. as all senses come together in your feet, my friend, gives pain to certain points in my feet, to rejuvenate, to re-ignite those senses.. and make my brain more aware of my body.. it has been 2 weeks, 2 sessions per week.. and since then I realize change..
our goal is to continue with this treatment, and in months, be able to slowly decrease my medication and in the end quit..

I know it might seem like a wish.. a fantasy to get rid of MS.. yet without hope, what else is there..

he made me quit flour.. I eat nothing with flour now.. no bread, no pasta, no cake.. nothing..
it has been 2 weeks.. it is not easy, as in Turkish dishes there is always bread, always flour in everything.. yet in 2 weeks, I feel like I have more energy.. more passion to go..

one advice ladies and gents.. try to quit flour.. try it for 21 days.. please do.. you will realize, that you have more energy, more concentration, more pleasure.. I did not lose weight, yet I have become a size smaller in 2 weeks.. which is amazing..

the reason behind is.. that flour is not easy to digest.. and when it is not easy to digest, your brain focuses on your stomach.. and it cannot focus on other things.. you don't get enough sleep because your brain is trying to understand whats going on in your body - digestion to be exact..

so quit.. try it for 21 days.. just please do!
I know you will see the effects... if you don't you can go back to anything that is delicious! and filled with flour...

know your own body and you will understand what I'm talking about..

have a pleasant and healthy day..

and to those who celebrate.. Merry Christmas!

life is not fair

this post was written about a week ago... and kept as a draft..

I feel helpless sometimes... like there is no place to go.. no place to feel safe..

I don't know what to do sometimes.. I really do feel stuck..
life is shitty - it shouldn't have been.. I always pursued happiness.. yet I feel like it (happiness) is really far away..

I  hurt those around me.. those I care the most about.. A is moving away from me, because I am being a bitch, because I am not showing the same compassion as he is..
I am not caring about him as he does of me.. yet that is not true.. I love him from the deepest corner of my heart.. he is the most precious thing ever.. and yet.. no matter how much I love him, I just cannot show him that..

I don't know what is wrong with me.. but everything around me seems wrong.

I cannot make A happy.. I am pushing him away - and for what.. for loving me.. for being my best friend.. for him being away yet trying everything to be with me..

I do not know..

I know I would die if I were to lose him..

death... is around the corner.. it might be in a second.. or just slow.. as losing your cognitive abilities, not being able to give birth to the baby you wanted so much.. or just a car crash away..

I don't know I am just blabbering.. I am just trying to get all these thoughts out of my head.. my head and my heart is filled with sadness..

and I do not know how to get rid of it..

I just know I want one thing..

I want to be with A right now..
this second.. I wanna be able to just hug him.. but my head on his shoulder and get my nose on his neck.. smell him.. kiss him..squeeze him.. I just want to hold him and let go of everything else..

I just want him right now..
to be able to look into his eyes, and say hi.. to be able to say hello, I missed you so much.. and I love you..

but I need to wait for that..
as I need to wait for everything else..

life sucks sometimes, and does not play fair..

Friday, December 7, 2012

a girls best friend

we all know the cliché about pets and humans, how they are a persons best friend.. and how they are great companions..the thing is with DiDi, my tiny little girl, my dearest Chihuahua.. that cliché is just a fact, is just the truth.. no matter what somehow, with her tiny little brain, DiDi understands everything.




she is loyal.. will listen to me no matter what.. even if her instincts tells her not to, she would trust me over herself.

she is so clever.. the moment I step into my bedroom, she knows how I am feeling and acts upon it.. if I am tired, she will just lay with me in bed, but if I am a little joyous, she will grab her toy and play fetch.

she is considerate.. DiDi sleeps in my bed.. that has been the way for the last 4 years, since the day I got her.. she sleep either near my tummy, or near my butt... (if you let your dogs sleep with you, you know what I'm talking about).. yet DiDi started a new thing.. the days I do my shots, are days that I tremble, and then sweat.. and end up sleepless.. DiDi, stopped getting in the sheets with me, on those days.. she sits on the bed with me while I do my shot, stares at me.. and as soon as I get ready to sleep, she goes to her own bed. Comes during the night when I'm awake, sits with me while I tremble, cuddles with me, like she wants to warm me up.. then when I sleep, goes back to her own bed.. who does that? DiDi does..

one of the things I missed the most while in the hospital was DiDi.. I was worried, what she would think.. I was away for 10 days.. my parents were with me in the hospital almost all day.. and no one was taking care of her, playing with her, cuddling with her.. I made sure Mom went home and checked on her the 2nd day. DiDi was waiting for her, on my pillow.. just waiting.. with a sad face.. didn't run, didn't jump from happiness.. My mom said that DiDi was waiting for me, and kept staring at the door, hoping that I would come in..

I was on a trip 2 weeks ago.. and was away for about 4 days.. my dad tells me that when he went to check up on DiDi, she again was on my pillow, crying.. and don't get me wrong my dad and DiDi are like best pals.. its hard to separate them.. but DiDi didn't run to my dad... she again, just waited for me to come to her..

Since the first day I got her, I always hoped she would talk.. I am not talking about barking, but actual human words.. talk.. she never did (obviously) (but it would have been freaky superb if she did).. now, I do not need DiDi to talk.. I do not need words from her.. because she, somehow just tells her own story.. and lets me know, how she is feeling, and how much she loves me..